How to sex a... clone
Monday, July 25 2011
Now, before you get all “Hello, Dolly” on me, these are clones of yourself that we’re dealing with here, not clones of animals. Not that having sex with animal clones is condemnable, if that happens to be your thing, just that it’s something I wouldn’t know how to go about doing. Anyway, semantics aside, it’s time to investigate the explosive yet subtle art of sexual intercourse with a clone.
Part One: Cloning Yourself
For decades, scientists have been toiling over a successful method of cloning living organisms, but the simple solution is just to go down to your nearest Successful Method Of Cloning Living Organisms shop, and pick up a kit from there. Most cloning starter kits cost less than $37, and they include everything you need— alfalfa, mustard seeds, ostrich feathers and plutonium. For $87, you get an additional Clon-O-Matix™ lunchbox and a free bowling pass (valid until three months after purchase, shoes not included).
Once you have the kit, go home, get naked and use it. I won’t patronise you by recounting the steps necessary to use it, because I’m sure you know how to read instruction manuals. All I’ll say is that if you don’t have a large mirror, several small ones should do, and the hippopotamus isn’t strictly necessary. There’s also a very funny typo on page 42.
Part Two: Clonetiquette
If you’re reading this section, you’ve already cloned yourself. Well done! But there’s a few things to remember:
1. A clone is not a mirror image
A “clone” is just a replica of you at the moment that you cloned yourself. This does not mean that it will do everything you do. If you move to the left, it won’t follow you, unless you are a silent comedy film star. It is now a completely separate entity, albeit one that is very much like you.
2. Clones have feelings too
There’s nothing less appealing than being awakened by scientific forces and having an identical stranger leap onto you and start wildly making something resembling love. Right in your face. Of course, it is a sex-clone, but even sex-clones need to feel loved. Start gently, and then work your way up to a shuddering climax. It’s a classic case of “do yourself the way you would have others do you.” Hint: for a quicker seduction, add a drop of lavender oil before cloning.
Part Three: The Aftermath
After orgasm, you have about fifteen seconds until your clone explodes. Interestingly, the concept of having to kill a clone before it kills you is a complete myth. That is, unless your clone doesn’t explode—but that doesn’t happen very often. Liquefied organs and glops of congealed blood will be strewn across the entire area, and this will take quite a bit of cleaning up.
But don’t tell me that wasn’t fucking worth it.