How to be my girlfriend
Tuesday, February 28 2012
We should meet somewhere trashy. You should be wearing something black and I’ll be drunk and we’ll kiss with too much tongue and I’ll wonder if I should bother calling you the next day.
You could have tattoos, if you want. And maybe you’ll wear your hair like a 1950’s pin up girl but hate lipstick. You’ll be skinnier than I am, but I won’t mind because you don’t give a shit about body types. You’ll eat like a hungry fat kid and smoke all the time and wave your hands around when you talk and smoke will trail through the air. You could be vegan and laugh at me while I struggle not to eat ice-cream, and then you’ll hand me an Oreo and kiss me with chocolate in your teeth. Or maybe you’ll just really fucking love parmas and beer, and that’s all you eat. Either one is ok.
You’ll call me up a week after we first meet and I’ll have been forgetting about you. You’ll tell me to meet you at some hidden bar in the city and I’ll be really nervous at first but you’ll text me straight after I hang up with a message that says, “don’t be a pussy”. I’ll wear slutty underwear (just in case) and you’ll be wearing shoes that are too high and I’ll admire the way you never seem to get tired walking in them.
We won’t kiss. But you’ll lick your lips when you look at mine. You’ll order me a drink without asking what I want and ignore me when I try and give you money. You’ll make me buy the next drink though, and it’ll probably be more expensive than the first, but I don’t mind.
We’ll get on the tram together heading towards my place and we’ll pretend we’re not really going back to mine. You’ll make me get off at Safeway to buy icy poles and pear cider and we’ll be walking back to my house when we see a construction site. I’ll start climbing the fence as a joke but you’ll grab my ankle on the way up and pull yourself up too. We’ll climb the scaffoldings and you’ll take off your shoes and laugh at me when I tell you to watch for broken glass. We’ll be drunk and my make up will be smeared and you’ll kiss me without warning and it’s not romantic but it’s spontaneous and your breasts will press against mine.
We’ll climb onto the roof and I’ll start worrying about getting caught and you’ll take your top off. You go down on me as I look at the stars until I get too nervous about someone seeing us. We’ll stumble back to mine and I’ll give you a piggy back for the last one hundred meters because you’re too drunk to walk and I’ll slam you against the door and kiss you and your hair will be long and black and my eyelids will throb.
We’ll never officially ask one another out but you’ll introduce yourself as my girlfriend one day and I won’t notice until I do too a week later. You’ll own three cats and we’ll make lesbian puns and ignore the felines as they watch us have sex in the bathtub.
We’ll lie in bed all day and I’ll get angry when you put clothes on and you’ll tell me to write about you more and when I get a story about you published you’ll be the first to buy me flowers.
You’ll miss my university graduation, however. And I’ll start flirting with a guy in college and I’ll catch you doing heroin one day and I’ll start to worry that I’ve got HIV or hepatitis and you’ll tell me to get fucked and you’ll end up in hospital one night and you won’t tell me and I won’t trust you anymore and I’ll buy you lilies and you’ll leave them on your doorstep until they fall to pieces.
You’ll break my heart if you want to. But I’ll just be so happy to have been in love again – it won’t hurt too much.
Later in life I’ll think back and still won’t believe why someone as enchanting as you fell in love with me. But then I’ll remember that you didn’t just endanger your own life but mine.
And it won’t sting so much.